12/18/14

Sexy Battle Girls (1986) Review

Beautiful.  Seductive.  Deadly.
If you've ever been watching "Shyness Machine Girl" or "Female Ninja Magic: Vagina Bubbles from Hell" and wondered "Hey, have Japanese girls always had butt and vagina weapons in movies?"  Well, the  answer is: I don't know, but "Sexy Battle Girls" proves that they did as far back as 1986.

Remember those awkward teenage years?  All about dildo fights, chastity belts and revenge.  Yeah, me neither, but this is the world in which sexy highschool student Mirai lives.  She knows martial arts, carries a kendama (a kendama is like a traditional Japanese ball and cup game.  I had to look that up) and wears a chastity belt to protect men from her devastating "Venus Crush" which, when activated by her orgasm, clamps her vagina shut and renders her lover impotent for life.  No really, she slices apples with that thing.  

Mirai's father forbids her from having any sort of a social life and wants her to stay home and practice crushing fruit with her hoo-ha.  One evening, she can no longer subdue her aching loins, so against her father's orders, she removes her chastity belt and does the dirty with her sensei, only to activate her Venus Crush and pulverize the poor guy's penis.  

Her father is furious.  As punishment he sends her to a new private school where all the girls seem to be juvenile delinquents and bullies attack from the shadows and throw ballpoint pens like shuriken. Also, the sadistic headmaster is running a secret prostitution ring and pimping out the girls to rich politicians.  Why would Mirai's father send her there?  Could he have an ulterior motive like... revenge?  Yes.  You see, he had to raise Mirai by himself because Mirai's mother left him for a man with a larger penis, and that man is the sadistic headmaster of her new school.

So over the years, Mirai's dad has taught his daughter martial arts, forced her to perfect her skills with a dildo kendama and hone her penis mashing Venus Crush technique, all because he wants revenge on the man who took his wife away from him a decade and a half ago.  Now, either to restore family honor or just make himself feel better, he has sent Mirai to seduce the headmaster. Headmaster Bush's penis must be destroyed!  So that's the plot.  It's pretty basic and quite excellent.

If the movie sounds crazy, it's because it is.  It's a Pink Eiga film, after all.  There aren't that many battles but there sure is a lot of sex.

I'm sure "Sexy Battle Girls" was more culturally relevant in Japan in 1986 than it is now in North America.  The film is a parody of a very popular manga series and television show from the '80s about a yo-yo wielding, crime fighting, delinquent girl called Sukeban Deka (I had to look that up, too).  So there are probably a lot of inside jokes which are lost in translation.  Even so, it's pretty awesome.

So, in conclusion, "Sexy Battle Girls" is a very Japanese tale about duty, honor, schoolgirls and vagina weapons, and you should watch it.

Violence Rating/Index: 2 out of 5
Booby Rating/Index: 4.5 out of 5



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