Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Vampire Hookers (1978) Review

Warm Blood Isn't All They Suck!

Around this time of year, a lot of "top 5" and "top 10" lists of the best/scariest Halloween movies of all time pop up on this series of tubes that Al Gore invented called "the internet."  Most of them are retarded.  However some horror bloggers and writers who actually know what the hell they are talking about list the best underrated horror movies of all time, and these lists I do like.

I'm glad to see movies like Frailty, In the Mouth of Madness, Session 9, and Dog Soldiers show up on these underrated horror lists but there are a few movies that I feel are still neglected, and so I thought of doing my own "top 5 underrated Halloween horror movies list" and include films like Dagon, Cemetery Man a.k.a. Dellamorte Dellamore and Nightmares in a Damaged Brain.  But that sounds like a lot of work so fuck it, here's a review of Vampire Hookers.

It seems to me that this movie is essentially a way to show a 10 minute orgy with a sailor and three lonely vampiresses, and there's really nothing wrong with that, especially since all three of these ladies of the night are damn fine... even though they have tan lines for some reason.  But if you're looking for things like thrills and humor and plot, you may wish to look elsewhere.  It's a horror/comedy that isn't particularly scary or funny.  And the sex scene is pretty tame.

Three American sailors get shore leave in the Philippines and shenanigans ensue.   Two of these... Gaijin?  Gweilo?  What the hell do they call white guys in the Philippines?  Two of these guys are new to the islands and eat strange Filipino food, fight some locals and get involved with some trannies while they're looking for some hookers for the night.  Hilarious!

So eventually they find a woman who is willing to exchange sexual intercourse for money and she takes the Chief Petty Officer to a graveyard where it turns out she's a vampire hooker in the service of a vampire pimp who's played by John Carradine and who constantly recites poetry and isn't scary or funny.  Three of these vampire hookers lure unsuspecting men to their lair in the cemetery where these "johns" become nourishment for these undead creatures and their buffoon of a companion who wants desperately to be a vampire and is played by veteran exploitation actor Vic Diaz.  He isn't funny either but he gets an E for effort.  That's pretty much it.  The two other sailors find out where the CPO went and what happened to him and they try to avoid becoming the next victims of John Carradine and his vampire hookers.

If you like watching people ride in taxis, men in sailor uniforms, shitty slapstick or flatulence humor then you might like Vampire Hookers.  The boobies are good but there isn't a whole lot of them. 

Violence Rating: 2 out of 5
Booby Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Other than the boobies, the best part of the movie is the catchy little tune played during the end credits.  And here it is.

4 comments:

The Angry Lurker said...

I was in at good boobies!

Jay said...

With a title like that, how can you go wrong? :)

Banacek said...

@Jay - Yeah, I thought so too.

D4 said...

Why can't vampires have tan li-- WAIT A SECOND SOMETHING IS WRONG.

I dunno why I'm not feeling like giving this a shot. Especially since the tune actually isn't that bad at all. Pity about the cut off ending though..

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