11/25/11

Conquest (1983)

He is a hunter from a future world trapped in prehistoric times.

Conquest
This is Lucio Fulci's hazy, never ending, sword and sorcery piece of shit.  If there's one thing the Italian directors of the '70s and '80s were good at it was copying successful American films to make a buck.  This is Fulci's surreal imitation of films like Conan and The Beastmaster, and it is terrible.

I know this is a work by one of the great Italian exploitation directors so I'm supposed to say how misunderstood this film is and how the use of fog and color evokes a dreamlike quality and that the limited and stilted dialogue conveys the coarse, primitive nature of the characters, etc.  But no, this film is just a pile of festering poo.  After the first twenty minutes I just wanted the damn thing to end.  But it didn't end.  It went on forever like some sort of incoherent, low-budget hell.

An archer with a glowing blue bow and a guy with fur covered nunchuks battle a sorceress who is naked all the time but wears a golden mask.  That's the plot.

The one redeeming feature that I can think of is the gore.  This movie obviously isn't just a fantasy epic, it also contains more than a little psychedelia and Fulci's trademark gore.  There are decapitations, and exposed brains, and blood spattered bodies and best of all, a girl gets ripped in half by some furries.   But still, I cannot with a good conscience recommend this film.  Hell, the film was so blurry that most of the time I didn't know what was going on.  I had to assume that when the blurs were moving faster it was an action sequence.

Maybe somebody can explain why this is a masterpiece.

Violence Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Booby Rating: 2.5 out of 5


"If you tighten the string too much, it will snap. And if you leave it too slack, it won’t play."

12 comments:

Bersercules said...

This looks awesome! (yeah I'm weird) I hope I can find it somewhere so I can watch it!
Also the nudity in the Nazi movie you recomended recently was great! Thanks for suggesting it! Haven't watched the horror movie with George from Seinfield yet but I plan to watch it soon!

R said...

I will watch this, looks really interesting!

Henry said...

That's a disappointing booby rating .

Chip said...

RAW movie!!

Melanie said...

Looks pretty epic...

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

I have to watch it, just for the sheer awesomeness of the movie poster.

D4 said...

^Allya, really?

I can't believe it doesn't even have the "so bad it's good" rating. Just. Wow. That sounds terrible, wtf.

DWei said...

Maybe if the booby rating was higher I'd watch it. I also like the random image of that dog in the middle of those screenshots there.

poopstm said...

special effect rule in this movie =D

To Tipota said...

The trailer is epic.. Gotta watch this..

Electric Addict said...

any movie with tons of gore should also have lots of quality boobies lol

Alcidas said...

Thanks for posting such an honest candid review. Its nice to come across one that says that a pile of poo is a pile of poo.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...