6/8/11

The Hearse (1980)

There is a door between life and death and now, that door is open! 

The Hearse
I usually recommend that people watch every movie that I review, but this may be the exception.  The Hearse is just a bad movie and not in a so-bad-it's-good sort of way, as so many of the films that Zoltan and I review are.  It's boring, predictable and riddled with ghost story clichés like slamming doors and reflections of dead relatives in mirrors.

Also, most of the performances are sub-par and the the leading lady (Trish Van Devere) has all the charisma of a hemorrhoid.  She's supposed to be an attractive young woman and all the townsfolk refer to her as "that pretty city girl," yet she looks like she's about 40 and is average at best.  She's supposed to be fit and limber as well, yet during a scene where she's awkwardly stretching before a run, it looks like her lower back seizes up on her.  Then when she finally gets to stretch her legs and "run" she shambles along as if she's bound at the ankles with invisible shackles.  She's the oldest and most nonathletic "athletic girl" I think I've ever seen.

And to add insult to injury, there's hardly any violence and not one booby sighting in the whole film - not that I'd want to see this hag topless anyway.  And I mean no disrespect to George C. Scott who married the woman.  I'm sure she's a lovely person, she just isn't believable as an object of desire.  The only redeeming factor of this travesty known as The Hearse is that for a few brief moments we get to see a young and arrogant Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald) of Happy Gilmore fame.

"Ouch, my bunions!"
And now the plot.  A recently divorced woman moves from the big city into her dead aunt's house in an isolated, xenophobic community.  She discovers her aunt's diary which tells of a love interest and a conversion to Satanism (I guess the two go hand in hand).  The people of the town hate Jane (Van Devere) because her aunt worshiped Lucifer, and nobody will come near the house because they think it's haunted.  Jane starts seeing weird shit and having nightmares and is often followed by an old hearse driven by a disfigured and moustachioed gentleman.  Anyway, Jane begins a romance with a mysterious fellow and things go bad.

If you want to see an excellent supernatural horror with Trish Van Devere and her husband George C. Scott, watch The Changeling (1980).  If you want to see a crazy, so-bizarre-it's-good haunted house movie, watch the Japanese film House (The Criterion Collection) (1977).  If you're eight years old and your parents won't let you see scary movies or films with blood and/or boobies, watch The Hearse.

Violence Rating: 1 out of 5
Booby Rating: 1 out of 5



30 comments:

The Angry Lurker said...

So just to get it straight you're saying it's bad, really bad my friend, sorry I couldn't help it.

Speedy Ed said...

think i'll give this one a miss, wasn't the best star rating for it :P don't think i'll waste my time.. thanks for the heads up :)

Dejch said...

definitly have to watch this one!

AllenTesch said...

Is this your lowest rating yet?

Bonjour Tristesse said...

The poster is pretty cool though.

Dave said...

Ive not heard of this movie but Ill give it a watch even though you rate it so low.

BigMike said...

that you for the non recommendation... we are sorry you had to suffer through this for us.

Desktoper said...

The trailer looked good :/

Breakingbrokers said...

Lol i guess i wont be watching this then

Zander said...

Cool poster... Great bloggin, friend!

Malkavian said...

DAMN this sure sounds terrible, and i HATE when they say, O YEAH HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER or something between those lines and you see a 30 or 40 year old Woman in a miniskirt trying to portray the joyful and playful 16 - 18 year old??? not happening its like in PORN when they say "THE GIRL NEXT DOOR" and shes all innocent and when she gets naked theres a big "DO ME IM A WHORE" tattoo on her left ass cheek, it just kills it for me.

-E- said...

i appreciate your use of the word "boobie".

taio said...

excelente recomendacion

T. Roger Thomas said...

Thanks for keeping it honest

ed said...

harsh, i accept your review

Daniel said...

1of5? never bother watch it

D4 said...

I love people like Dejch. The most amusing comments.

Also "hemorrhoid.". Turned off, man.

Biff Tanner said...

This looks classy.

Jay said...

not one booby sighting?

:|

thenitefalls said...

Lol this doesn't sound like a film I'll like to watch according to your review

Blk Jesus said...

wow guess ill skip this

Zombie said...

that gal got milk all over her window!

Kicking Rocks said...

i would like a hearse one day, it looks spacey!

Colin Biano said...

i'll watch this movie for 10 dollars if anyone wants me to

hoaks2 said...

Lol: "all the charisma of a hemorrhoid" and no boobies? Yeah, I think I can skip this one.

BTN Hip Hop said...

looks decent

Patti D. said...

Now that you say "don't watch it!" I might give it a try, maybe it's so bad it's even good!!

You can visit my blog here.

Magixx said...

epic as usual! :D
keep it up

Zander said...

Good read, have a great weekend!

Solsby Kid said...

Never seen this, will have to give it a watch! :)

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