4/6/11

Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)

Man's Best Friend is Now Man's Worst Fiend...

Zoltan, Hound of Dracula
When I first started watching Zoltan, Hound of Dracula, also known as Dracula's Dog, I was thinking that it was probably aimed at kids, and that it would be perfect to show before a camping trip or during a sleepover or something.

Nope.  If I had seen this movie when I was a kid I would have peed the bed for weeks.  Not that I ever peed my bed... except those two nights where I dreamed that I was relieving myself in a flower bed in the back yard but was actually soiling my Jedi pajamas.  But my mommy said I was growing too fast for my bladder to keep up!  Stop mocking me!

This tale begins when Romanian soldiers - or maybe they're Russian - discover an underground crypt while blasting the ground for some reason.  Resulting tremors knock one of the coffins to the ground from the tomb wall, and one of the soldiers pulls a wooden stake out of the covered corpse that was in the broken coffin.  Zoltan is unleashed!

He springs from his coffin, kills the soldier and releases one of Dracula's undead servants, Veidt Schmidt, from another sarcophagus.  Together they set off for America to find Dracula's last heir to make him into a vampire and begin the undead family anew.

"I said, roll over!"
Back in California, this heir Michael Drake is on a camping trip with his family, two German Shepherds and a litter of puppies.  Zoltan and Veidt Schmidt duke it out with Michael Drake and his dogs in the California wilderness.  Dogs get turned into vampires, throats are bitten, people and dogs die.  That's pretty much it.

If you think this movie sounds like crap, you're mostly right. It was actually better than I thought it was going to be, but that's not saying a whole lot because I had very, very low expectations.  Even so, I can't really recommend Zoltan, Hound of Dracula because it sucked... I made a pun.  But whatever, watch it if you want to.  You never listen to me anyway!

Violence Rating: 3 out of 5
Booby Rating: 0.5 out of 5?  I think I saw some cleavage somewhere.

Here's the movie in three minutes and twenty seconds.  It's all you need to see.


36 comments:

The Angry Lurker said...

We always listen to you bed wetter, see we were listening.

Aaron M. Gipson said...

And it's too late for me, young Banacek. I've already seen it...and yes it was dismal.

On a bright note, I had Jedi jammies too!

Devon Davidson said...

Bad movie and no boobs?

Yeah, not interested.

elexerdelex said...

I never listen to you anyway! Im so going to watch this movie, just to get back at you!!!

thenitefalls said...

Lol that was unexpected when that dog popped out from the sheets!

Alphabeta said...

Stranger: Hi. Does your dog bite?
Dracula: What do you think?

D4 said...

You... THINK you saw cleavage somewhere? There's no incentive for this one.

Bart said...

lmfao that last pic of the dog with the green eyes made me laugh

Ray Rousell said...

I remember this one, I saw this years ago, and your right it's crap!!

Matt said...

I think I've seen this. . .and I think it sucked.

BTN Hip Hop said...

dog is always funny

Rob said...

Zoltan? Really! Ha. I hope I can find this movie. It sounds particularly cheesy lol

Bonjour Tristesse said...

Another incidence of title > poster > film

Patwa said...

@up someone
yeep, no boobs ? ;/

Malkavian said...

Sounds like a Terrible movie, i will trust your judgment and avoid it.

TheHarvester said...

oh man cleavage rating of 0.5 of 5? i think i pass on this one!

Laughing Vault said...

it looks great :D

consuela bananahammoc said...

LOOOL looks so funny! I wanna see it :)

Anthony C said...

Holy shit that dog looks like one of Satan's minions. I've never really been scared by any movie since being a teenager.

A Beer for the Shower said...

I'm gonna pass. Need moar boobs.

Biff Tanner said...

This is one of the funnier ones lol

SOMS said...

ZOLTAN

Colin B said...

a booby rating of .5 should stop any film from being made in the first place

Brother Joseph said...

That is one mean ass looking puppy...lol.
:)

G said...

no boobs = no watch lol

Moob said...

Wonder if this is on netflix

Jay said...

shame, Zoltan sounds like an awesome name!

DYLON said...

you have a good 'voice' when you write, but no boobs no movie

ed said...

vampires do not scare me at all. why no leapfrog wit da unicorn?

Tasos said...

oh come one! we always listen to you, me at least. the problem is half of your movies are impossible to find. you said to avoid "zoltan" I'm not even mentioning this name again. (the trailer sucked anyway, especially at 3:20: god's paw breaks from the window lol)

Meghan Moran said...

I'm not a big fan of vampires, but a vampire dog sounds pretty cool. Too bad the movie stinks.

Rockinrule said...

oldschool. very oldschool

Sam said...

Haha, yeah these movies are definitely not for kids :)

Voit said...

Now imagine that movie made today and with a lot of money. Twilight meets Benji :D

Patti D. said...

wow, that idea is awesome, dracula's pet.

ZedWord said...

I always wanted to see Zoltan square off against Ace the Bat Hound.

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