Sunday, December 21, 2014

Maryam d'Abo Has a Cello and No Pants

Is Maryam d'Abo a cult actress?  Well, she was in "Tomcat: Dangerous Desires," "Shootfighter: Fight to the Death," two episodes of Red Shoe Diaries and an episode of Tales from the Cypt.  Her very first movie role was in the British sci-fi horror, "Xtro" and she got all kinds of naked in that film.  I did a short review of it once...  So, those credentials are good enough for me.

Christmas isn't just a time of nostalgia for the innocence of childhood, the magical wonder of the holiday season, and memories of merrymaking in years long passed.  It's also a time for forgiveness, a big ol' plate of turkey and sausage. And James Bond. Why do people feel compelled to watch James Bond movies around Christmas? I have no idea, but I always do.

Maryam d'Abo is probably best known for her role as the cello-playing sniper in "The Living Daylights" with one of the most under-appreciated James Bonds, Timothy Dalton.  Now I don't want to get into a debate over who the best Bond was (obviously, it was Connery) or who the hottest Bond girl was (Jane Seymour), I'm just here to post pictures of Maryam naked because I watched "The Living Daylights" the other day and wanted to see if she ever posed nude.  She did.

Back in 1987, Playboy celebrated 30 years of "The Women of 007" by showcasing all the Bond girls up to that point, and focusing especially on Maryam d'Abo since The Living Daylights was released the same year.  It seems Maryam was kind enough to show some skin for Playboy's dedicated readers.  I thank her for her generosity.  

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Sexy Battle Girls (1986) Review

Beautiful.  Seductive.  Deadly.
If you've ever been watching "Shyness Machine Girl" or "Female Ninja Magic: Vagina Bubbles from Hell" and wondered "Hey, have Japanese girls always had butt and vagina weapons in movies?"  Well, the  answer is: I don't know, but "Sexy Battle Girls" proves that they did as far back as 1986.

Remember those awkward teenage years?  All about dildo fights, chastity belts and revenge.  Yeah, me neither, but this is the world in which sexy highschool student Mirai lives.  She knows martial arts, carries a kendama (a kendama is like a traditional Japanese ball and cup game.  I had to look that up) and wears a chastity belt to protect men from her devastating "Venus Crush" which, when activated by her orgasm, clamps her vagina shut and renders her lover impotent for life.  No really, she slices apples with that thing.  

Mirai's father forbids her from having any sort of a social life and wants her to stay home and practice crushing fruit with her hoo-ha.  One evening, she can no longer subdue her aching loins, so against her father's orders, she removes her chastity belt and does the dirty with her sensei, only to activate her Venus Crush and pulverize the poor guy's penis.  

Her father is furious.  As punishment he sends her to a new private school where all the girls seem to be juvenile delinquents and bullies attack from the shadows and throw ballpoint pens like shuriken. Also, the sadistic headmaster is running a secret prostitution ring and pimping out the girls to rich politicians.  Why would Mirai's father send her there?  Could he have an ulterior motive like... revenge?  Yes.  You see, he had to raise Mirai by himself because Mirai's mother left him for a man with a larger penis, and that man is the sadistic headmaster of her new school.

So over the years, Mirai's dad has taught his daughter martial arts, forced her to perfect her skills with a dildo kendama and hone her penis mashing Venus Crush technique, all because he wants revenge on the man who took his wife away from him a decade and a half ago.  Now, either to restore family honor or just make himself feel better, he has sent Mirai to seduce the headmaster. Headmaster Bush's penis must be destroyed!  So that's the plot.  It's pretty basic and quite excellent.

If the movie sounds crazy, it's because it is.  It's a Pink Eiga film, after all.  There aren't that many battles but there sure is a lot of sex.

I'm sure "Sexy Battle Girls" was more culturally relevant in Japan in 1986 than it is now in North America.  The film is a parody of a very popular manga series and television show from the '80s about a yo-yo wielding, crime fighting, delinquent girl called Sukeban Deka (I had to look that up, too).  So there are probably a lot of inside jokes which are lost in translation.  Even so, it's pretty awesome.

So, in conclusion, "Sexy Battle Girls" is a very Japanese tale about duty, honor, schoolgirls and vagina weapons, and you should watch it.

Violence Rating/Index: 2 out of 5
Booby Rating/Index: 4.5 out of 5

Special thanks to The Movie & Music Network for generously providing this film for review.  You can check out the entire Pink Eiga VOD library at The Movie & Music Network for only $5.99 per month and watch thousands of other exploitation, cult, horror and erotica films, as well.  Use promocode: BEASTS and sign up for a 7 day free trial.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Give Grandma a Cult Christmas

"95 plus 4 pennies.  Add that shit up."
Don't know what to give grandma this holiday season?  For the last month the poor woman has been baking and knitting and telling the same story over and over about how she once gave Burt Reynolds a handy.  She's exhausted.  You want to help her kick back and relax but have no idea what to get her.  She already has a bong, a gallon of rum and some powder-blue raccoon pajamas, so what else is there?

Well, you're in luck.  Launching today is a new movie network that gives you 3 movies for only 99 cents, or 10 movies for $1.99. You can even send movies to grandma with one click, which makes them great digital stocking stuffers.  And you know she'd love a copy of BLACK HEAT to go with her sticky green.   Is little Billy ready to learn about the birds and the bees?  Send him a copy of ORGASM COUNSELOR. Have a secret crush on the Japanese wife next door?  Let her know by sending her THE JAPANESE WIFE NEXT DOOR.  The possibilities are endless.  If, for some strange reason, your grandma isn't into cult, horror or Japanese sexploitation films, I hear they have a lot of other stuff too.

Check out the 99 Cent Network.  Yule love it!